So i like to look back over my journal entries and read what i've written... and i stumbled across a couple from awhile back that i liked and thought i'd share. i just kinda smushed em together... maybe they'll make sense to you. maybe not.
"I feel so weird. Sad…. But not. Because I know it will go away. Sad… but not. Because I’m happy that I can feel. Sad… but not. Because I know that for the first time in my life, I’m being true to myself. I’m terrified of this freedom. Terrified that I’m making all the wrong choices. But at the same time, I know that for the first time in my life, I’m making all the right choices. Because right doesn’t mean the choice that necessarily makes sense to the rest of the world. Right means making the decision that brings you peace. Even if it makes absolutely no sense to anyone else. I would much rather have my freedom of thought and opinion and living than your approval. With you, there is no freedom. My spirit needs room to decide what’s right and wrong for me.
I’m so torn right now. My loneliness is new and sad but at the same time, I’m so reassured by it. I’m so relieved to know that even though I get sad and lonely, I’m not distracting myself with another meaningless relationship. The torn open places in my heart are slowly healing. It’s almost like I physically feel stronger. Maybe that’s the difference with this sadness. Yes, it’s the same lonely sadness it used to be, but it’s inside a stronger person. A more fulfilled person. A person who knows that true happiness and contentment can only come from within. Now I understand that the only way to deal with this sadness is to become stronger. Maybe the sadness and loneliness will always be there. Maybe they don’t change shape or size. But I can. I can became larger and stronger than my sadness. My fear of being alone will become lost in my belief that being alone and fulfilled is better than being in a shallow, meaningless and distracting relationship. Distractions can only distract for so long before you become used to them and need to find something else to keep your mind from turning to those things you’re trying to so hard to avoid. So just face it now. It’s either that or spend a lifetime running from one distraction to the next. And I’m tired.
It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to have uncertainties. Hurt and sadness will pass. And the future will happen. What’s meant to be will happen. And I will be okay. It will all be okay in the end.
People are draining. Well, I guess I should say people that don’t get me are draining, and it seems like as I figure out more and more who I am, there are fewer and fewer people who I feel like I connect with. There are just some things you can’t explain to people. They either get it—or they don’t. not to say one way is right or better than another. It’s just different.
My values and priorities have changed so much in the past year. Or maybe I’m just discovering what they truly are. The things I used to care and worry so much about just don’t matter to me anymore. Or matter less. And other things matter so much more. The things that I strived so hard to gain or achieve that people promised would bring me happiness never did. Instead I was always left with a longing for more. Yet I would continue to pursue the same goals because people who were “older and wiser” than me said that’s what I should want. That’s what would fulfill me. That’s what would bring me happiness. And I believed them. Why wouldn’t i? I mean, what did I know? I was just young and stupid and inexperienced. Right? No. So, so, so no.
Happiness and contentment can come from anywhere as long as you’re real with yourself. Honest with yourself. True to yourself. I was living my life for so many people… Yet, out of all those people, not one of them was me. I had so much anxiety all the time because I was ignoring what I felt was right and trying to please the masses. It’s amazing how much of my anxiety has gone away just from learning to listen to and follow my own intuition. Living for others, I was in a constant battle with myself, and I was always the one losing.
I’m so tired of close-minded people. Respect. Let me live my life like I let you live yours. It’s okay to think differently. Stop telling me I’m wrong or will fail simply because my ideas of success aren’t the same as yours. Stop looking down on me because I don’t value the same things you do. Stop judging me for doing things my way and not yours.
But it’s okay if you don’t. It’s okay because I don’t need your nod of approval, your seal of satisfaction. Not anymore. Because I finally understand that while having your support is nice, it’s definitely not necessary. The only approval I need is that which I find within my heart.
People spend so much time and money and energy and emotion and effort searching, searching, searching… for peace. For contentment. For love. For meaning. And all of those things are found in the same place. Peace, contentment, love, meaning… they’re all within you. They are the essence of you. Your soul. Your spirit. Your heart. Your mind. Such a simple concept that is so hard to understand. It’s all right there, waiting for you. You just have to want to find it."
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