parting is such sweet sorrow

for all nine of my followers, i'm sorry to inform you that i will no longer be updating my life on blogger.com... yes, sad, i know.

but if you want to continue to follow me and my hilarious, exciting and always unpredictable anecdotes, follow me at

hazelskies.tumblr.com

a quick goodbye...

dear blogspot,

you have been my faithful reporter for almost a year now. i wish what we had could have lasted forever. but technology was too fast for you. you will always be the first one to pop up every time i type the letters "fo" into my search tab... unless i clear my history. thank you for your service.

RIP.

"to be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life."--robert louis stevenson

It's amazing how much feelings can change in only a few short weeks. I guess that's a 22 year old chica for you, though...

Homesickness has at last subsided, and I think that is directly proportionate to my growing friendships and directly inverse to the shrinking feeling of "culture shock"-ness. The first few weeks here were pretty rough, as I mentioned in my previous blog. Even though I'm used to and even sometimes prefer to be alone, being alone in a new country where you don't speak the language is an entirely different story. The main difference is that at home I at least have the choice of easy access via text/phone call of chatting or meeting up with a friend pretty much any time I want. Being alone at home was a conscious choice. Here? Not so much. For the first couple of weeks, I didn't have a cell phone (and whose number would I have even put in it??) or internet so communication to home was an impossibility. And even though I'd made some acquaintances here, I didn't reaaallyyy know anyone, especially not well enough to call up and whine about how I felt. Finally, I reached a breaking point; I think you all know me well enough to know that I can only go without real human interaction for so long. Even though just going straight home after classes and convincing myself that I was still jetlagged and needed to rest was the easy thing to do, it wasn't the healthy thing. After I got internet and a cell phone, I began making plans with people and forcing myself to get out of my little shell, and I haven't regretted a single thing since (well, not anything that I'm going to write in a blog.. haha juuust kidding..)

I'd like to say that my experience here has already changed me so much, but I don't feel like that would be an accurate statement. A better way of expressing it would be to say that Barcelona has helped me realize more of who I already was all along. I believe that at our cores, we already are who we are; I don't think people change. However, I do think that if we choose to let them, our experiences can help us discover more deeply what's within us.

The most challenging and also rewarding (those two are always together! well, Challenging, if you like Rewarding so much, why don't you just marry her?!!) part of this trip has just been letting go of my preconceived notions of what Barcelona should be and accepting and appreciating it for what it is--because there is SO much to appreciate! As an American, I'm ashamed to admit that I have adopted the "Starbucks" attitude. An attitude of customization. I'd like my Barcelona with a better exchange rate, no language barrier, topped with easy access to nature whenever I'm in the mood. Thanks. As much as I told myself not to, I focused on all the things I didn't have. Instead of thinking of all the "Puedo's" ("I can's" for all those who aren't as amazingly fluent as I am in Spanish), all I could think of were the "No Puedo's" ("I can'ts" for all those of you who are just stupid). "I can't speak to anyone." "I can't go trail running." "I can't go ANYWHERE without getting lost!" (Don't get me started on that last one...) But it's all in how you view things. "Change your thinking, change your world."

It's taken me so long to get on the path of figuring out who I am, to stop defining myself by who my parents/friends/boyfriend(s) want me to be--and to actually figure out what is important to ME. I know, I know... It seems so simple. But as I've discovered, some of the simplest things turn out to be the hardest. Anyway, the past couple years has been full of me drawing lines, setting boundaries, learning to say "no" when I want to. All this work in a desperate attempt to figure out the real me--and I feel like I have. Well, I am. I will always be a work-in-process. The hardest thing here for me has been acknowledging that I can simultaneously appreciate something that is different from me without compromising who I am. It's taken me so long to figure out who I am and what I believe, and all of these discoveries are still so new and fragile. I'm afraid I'll lose them if I don't defiantly oppose anything that is different from who I've discovered within myself. I'm working on finding a balance between knowing and being confident in who I am while still experiencing and enjoying life when it's not exactly what I thought it would be. I want to know myself well enough to confidently be open-minded, without the fear of losing myself. I'm on my way there, but it's a difficult journey. Still, it's one that I won't give up.

a rebel without a clue

sorry for the format being sloppy...i copied and pasted this from a couple different places since it's an accumulation of journal entries/emails.. and can't figure out how to fix it. oh well.

It’s been a rough week. Things definitely haven’t gone smoothly. Actually, for a

couple days there, things went a little TOO smoothly, if ya know what I mean. Sorry, kinda gross. But it’s life. Saturday night was fun, but it was the start of a very challenging/lonely few days. Before dinner, I went walking around town with my host family, just wanting to kinda spend time with them and talk (and since they speak NO English, and I hadn’t even had ONE Spanish class yet, talking is not easy). So we walked around town and went to this little outdoor shopping plaza near our apartment. Although it was definitely more of a social gathering for most people my age and the young men were either aggressively poised on the sidelines, waiting to swoop into the first available woman’s space, or lovingly strolling with their significant other (Ah, young love… haha. Not that I would know what that’s like. Apparently, my heart is made of stone.), I was busily flipping through my Spanish-English dictionary. Everything about my appearance screamed American tourist. And did I care? I’m walking around a mall in a hoodie, jeans, hair in a ponytail and no makeup with an old couple on a Saturday night. I think you can figure that out. My new friend Stacy and I had made plans to go out after dinner (btw, dinner here is at 10 pm on average with my family. Crazy, right?), but as I finished eating, I started to get tired. I guess being around the old people for too long was rubbing off on me. Stacy’s response to my lazy plans for Saturday night? No, ma’am. It’s our first weekend in Barcelona. So that was that.

After dinner, Pilar busted out a bottle of some sort of liquor along with a few shot glasses that, upon being filled with a shot, presumed to flash and sparkle multiple colors. Pretty much the gaudiest and most flamboyant thing I had ever seen—so of course I loved it! Delightfully tacky! After taking a shot with my family, I got ready to run and meet up with Stacy at the metro. By this time, it’s like midnight over here—which at home, I’m ready to call at a night by then… but here? People are not even getting started. After being yelled at and semi-chased by this really tall and scary looking homeless man, I finally caught up with Stacy and off to the bars we went. What a night! That’s really all I can say, being that I don’t really remember much of it… Hmm…

Sunday morning. Oh, dear lord. I was supposed to go with my family to their other daughter’s house a couple hours away for lunch… But I woke up, not in my bed but knocking on Death’s door. I’m pretty sure he answered, but I was too hung over to crawl through the threshold. That’s when it started, although I’m still not really sure what started. The sickness. The horrible, never-ending, if-i-could-only-figure-out-how-to-open-this-giant-window-in-my-room-so-i-could-jump-out-of-it sickness. Never have I ever. Everything on my body hurt, and even with 2 pairs of SmartWool socks, long johns under my pjs, a hoodie, and my toboggan on, I was still shaking so hard, the frame of my bed was rocking (and NOT in a good way). Of course, being the prepared person I am, the only medicine I had was some Aleve for cramps. Wonderful. My family, thinking I was just hung over, had left for Miriam’s house all day so I was completely alone in my tiny room a million miles from home. Left to die. In my feverish stupor, I stumbled across the room and managed to take not one, not two, not even three… but four(!!) Aleve tablets, later taking the time to read the instructions that said never to take more than 3 tablets in 24 hours. Meh. Rules were made to be broken. I still don’t know what happened to me; I’m guessing it was like a 48 hour bug or something that was triggered by lack of sleep and overabundance of alcohol (although, I only had three drinks over the course of like 5 hours…. So that just doesn’t make sense).

I can’t remember the last time I was so tired. Every move, even just rolling over in bed, took so much effort. I had the urge to pee for like 20 minutes before I finally convinced myself that even though peeing on myself in bed would bring temporary relief and even a little extra warmth, being wet would only make me colder—that was the winning point of the argument. The smell of anything made my stomach turn. One of the guys I met from the night before texted me, and just seeing his name on my phone reminded me of alcohol, which made me want to throw up everywhere. I didn’t text back. Poor guy. Food? No comment.

And then… almost exactly 48 hours later, I was better, although still a little weak from lack of nutrients. That was Sunday and Monday. On Tuesday, I slept half the day, and then woke up ravenously hungry—and for one thing! GREASE! It’s weird. I never ever crave unhealthy fast food; that is, until I’m either recovering from a sickness or a hangover. Then that’s all I want. Ask me why, and I will tell you I don’t know. The thought of French fries and a Coke drove me out of bed, into the shower and out onto the streets of Barcelona. An appetite, at long last! Me without an appetite is like a day with no sun; it’s just a sad, sad thing. Finally, as the star in the night guided the wise men, I followed the flickering light to the closest Burger King. And oh, it was so wonderful. Worth every last saturated calorie.

Because I had been sick, I missed the first two days of classes, so on Wednesday I had my first Spanish class. Que es? Como significa?? No bueno. I didn’t understand anything. Even though this was beginner’s Spanish, almost everyone in there had had at least a few a years of Spanish. Learning curve? No, no. Learning INCLINE! On top of that, my teacher told us that we would need to be studying about two to three hours outside of our 2 ½ hour class every day in order to really learn. So if the people who already have a foundation in Spanish needed to study that much, where did that leave me?

So yeah… it’s been a discouraging week. Being alone and unable to talk to anyone for like 3 days straight really took its toll on me. Homesickness was almost more nauseating than my actual nausea. I didn’t have the energy to fight off negative thinking and definitely spent quite a few hours wondering if I made the right choice in coming over here. Fortunately, this morning I got to know a few really nice girls from my program, and when I told them how down I was, they offered me some wonderful advice. Stuff you already know, but sometimes just hearing someone else say it makes a difference.

i have a lot of mixed feelings about being here. its something that i needed to do and i'm glad i came here... but i've definitely already learned a lot about myself in only the few days i've been here. for instance, i've always wondered if i would like living in a big city and i've always wanted/needed to do it just to know--cuz i'm like that. i seem to only learn by experience. and i've definitely discovered that i'm not a big city girl. but i needed to do this or else i would have always wondered and had regrets. don't get me wrong; barcelona is a beautiful and extremely clean city. and as far as big cities go, i think it's amazing.. but i really miss the mountains/nature. that's always been my release, and it feels like i dont have that right now. no matter what's going on in my life, at home i could always just go be outside and it gave me such peace.. and right now, since i dont know the area very well, i dont have access to much/any of that...

also the people and their values seem to be pretty different here (but in barcelona's defense, i think that's just a metropolitan city tendency; i don't think this holds true only here). appearance is SO important.. and sure i like to look nice, but to be honest, i really dont care how stylish i am. i hate shopping bc it feels like a waste of time and money; plus shopping seems to just create the desire for more more more..

also, back to the outdoorsy thing... there seems to be NOBODY into anything outdoorsy. i mean, there are tons of runners here as far as like

on the sidewalks and stuff... but i havent come across anyone who would rather

spend the day hiking than the night clubbing/drinking... and sure every once in awhile i like to go out... but i would much rather go to bed early and wake up ready to spend the day outside than partying the night away. i'm sure there are people like me out here; i just haven't met them yet... and since i've never had a problem meeting people at home since i actually speak the same language as people, i didn't take into account that it might actually be kind of difficult over here.

granted, i've only been here a week--and the past 3 days i didn't leave my bed... so i've had way too much time to think and get a little homesick and not enough time to do things...

i guess i've always known these things about myself--but i just needed to make sure. and i'll definitely appreciate and enjoy my time here

(i've already learned SO much spanish), but i'm not going to compromise my values/who i am to try and fit in.

This experience is new and scary in a way I didn’t foresee. The language barrier is real. The lifestyle is very different. Values, appearance, activities—all unlike what I’m used to. And it’s hard. Even though a million people told me it would be, I didn’t listen... because if they had said it was easy, i wouldn't have wanted to do it anyway. And even though right now I’m struggling, I don’t think I will regret my decision to come over here. In just a week, I’ve already learned so much about myself. With each new experience, I learn more about myself and become more confident in who I am. What a cliché. But clichés are clichés for a reason.

i am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world.--maryanne radmacher

Wow. That’s all I can say. Life is so different, yet still the same. Everything has changed in one week, yet I’m still me. Weird. Anyway… so today’s the first day that I’ve really actually had internet. Long story short: NEVER assume anything is easy to find in another country. Especially a country in which you don’t know the language. Definitely should have gotten an AC adapter back in the states… but I’ll get into that later. Okay so basically I’m just going to summarize a few of my journal entries from the past week. Every time I’ve traveled (except for my roadtrip this summer), I always get lazy and don’t write anything down… and then I forget what happened… and then I am sad… so even though I usually don’t write down a play-by-play of my days, since I’m traveling and want to actually REMEMBER things, I did (and I looove my journal, turtle! Already like twenty pages in!)

Saturday, January 2^nd, 2010 @ 10:53 am

So I almost had a heart attack this morning. Everything was going so smoothly with debarking from the ship etc (btw, eating 6 prunes and then getting on a 30 minute bus ride is a horrible idea!). Then I go to check in at air tran (in Ft. Lauderdale headed to Atlanta to pick up luggage that I stored in a locker in the airport then catching my flight to dallas that connects to my flight to Madrid---so this is obviously an important flight. Oh and I only have a two hour break between when my flight from ft. laud lands in atl and when my flight from atl to dallas takes off. Confusing enough?) and the first thing I’m told is that my flight to Atlanta has been cancelled due to mechanical errors with the plane and they would get me on a flight tomorrow. Eff me sideways. WHAT?!?! That’s when I really wished I’d worn more makeup and less bra. And the way he told me was so nonchalant, too. Um, excuse me. No. You don’t understand. I HAVE to get to Atlanta. So I proceed to explain my situation to the controller of my fate (I’m a broke college kid with no money to buy another ticket to Spain) and said I’d sit on the wing of the plane if I had to—anything to get me to Atlanta on time—although I’m really, really glad it didn’t work out that way. Would have made for an uncomfortable flight. Maybe he had pity on me or maybe it was the ass-pants (yes. Ass pants. Tight black spandex work out pants that make my ass go BAM!) or maybe a little of both, but he ended up majorly overbooking another flight and giving me a seat. I could have kissed him!... but since he was old and kind of strange looking, I just smiled and gave him a tip. Probably tipped more than I should have but whatev. I was so nervous/relieved/excited, I’m just glad I didn’t rip off all my clothes and go running around the airport. It’s been known to happen. Maybe not at an airport (yet) but still.

Monday, January 4^th, 2010 @ 21:43 (gotta do military time since that’s how it is over here!)

Alright so I made it. I’m here in Madrid, Spain, sitting in my hotel room right now after a full day of exploring the city. Saturday was a full day of flights. Nothing fancy. Most of the flight was through the night and apparently (according to a girl in my program who I coincidentally sat near), I kept falling asleep on this Spanish woman next to me, and the Spanish woman and her friend were making fun of me. I was wondering what they were laughing about! I’ve been so jet lagged that I’ve basically just slept through everything that has happened the past couple of days, and it’s been really icky/rainy… Today was the first day I really remember. My hotel roommate Lauren and I basically just explored the city together today, and it’s gorgeous! She knows a lot of Spanish, so I’ve learned a lot already. Missing my rotten boy…

Wednesday, January 6^th, 2010 @ 11:21 am

Yesterday morning we took the bus ride to Toledo. I don’t even remember the bus ride, to be honest. So out of it. Toledo’s a really cool city. Very old. All walled in. Cobblestone streets. Surrounded by a river. I couldn’t really understand much of what the guide was saying. I can pick out words and phrases but am definitely not able to put together concepts yet. I’ve learned a lot, though! My favorite thing so far has just been to fall a little behind the group and take pictures. I really wish I had a nicer camera, but not enough to actually spend money on one. Esta bien J

We’re on the nine hour bus ride to Barcelona right now. I’m a little nervous about meeting my host family because that’s always a little awkward, but I’m sure it’ll be fine. Part of me misses home, but I think it’s more of the comfort of familiarity I miss. I just have to force myself to get a new frame of mind because if I just compare everything to home then of course I’ll miss it. It’s almost like I’ve put thoughts of home in a little box inside of me that I won’t open until the end of April. Let go of my comfortables and move into the unknown. The one thing I miss more than anything is my rotten boy. I miss him terribly.

Thursday, January 7^th, 2010 @ 20:25

Today was a big, scary, overwhelming day, and I’m exhausted. I met my host family last night and I LOVE them. When I walked off the bus, the first thing I saw was this little peppery, firecracker of a woman holding a sign with my name. She grabbed me into a hug and kissed both of my cheeks and then we scampered off towards the car. Oh and by the way, no one in the family speaks a lick of English. So it’s been interesting, but this is exactly what i wanted. i'll learn SO much faster this way! They (she, her daughter whose name I still don’t know how to say, and her ex husband) zipped me around town in the car, stopping at Sagrada Familia. Oh. My. God. I guess that’s pretty sacrilegious to say about a church… or maybe it’s just the right thing. It’s amazing. Definitely going back to visit and take pictures. Still not used to the whole late night dinner thing because we got back to the apartment around 19:30 , and I was starving but it still wasn’t even close to dinner so Pilar (my host mommy) took me around the circle that surrounds their apt and pointed out things to me in Spanish to help me learn.

I slept really well but still jetlagged so it was hard to wake up in the morning. I was kind of nervous about the whole shower thing because everyone has repeatedly emphasized taking short showers since water/electricity is so expensive here. I literally had my stopwatch set for exactly five minutes but for the first two, the water wouldn’t warm up. Not just warm up… but it was absolutely freezing. And I was already cold. No effing way I was getting in that thing. Finally, Pilar knocked on the door and showed me this switch I have to hit to heat the water up. Ooops….

I was pretty nervous about finding the school from the metro near my house, but it was actually relatively easy. We took the Spanish placement exam this morning---and when I say “we,” I mean everyone but me. I took one look at the test, had no idea what to say/put down, told the instructor, and she let me leave. Obviously, I’ll probably be teaching a few advanced Spanish classes.

Friday, January 8^th, 2010 at 23:55

How does this always happen to me?!??! I guess it’s because I refuse to use maps. They just confuse me. So here’s what happened: I had my first class today and there were definitely some hot guys in there… Well, me being me, I had to make sure I was noticed. So after class, I walked up to the group of them and asked in Spanish where the closest metro was. Anyway, long story short, I got on the wrong metro. Actually, I didn’t even get on the metro!! I got on this weird train thing that’s not really a train… and rode for an hour before I realized “oh hey… i only live like 20 minutes away from school.. this isn’t right.” Getting off the train thing, I found myself in the total ghetto—but I was more pissed than scared cuz I knew I’d get home eventually (well, assuming I didn’t get kidnapped or killed)… Just didn’t know how long it’d take. Anyway, that was definitely WAY more of a test of my Spanish skills than that placement test was. But I found my way home eventually. Serves me right for being vain.

Saturday, January 9^th, 2010 17:41

Went on my first run this morning since I’ve been in Spain. It was the perfect morning. I ended up running for about an hour, and it felt so good. My poor little legs have been dying to go free. I actually DIDN’T get lost for the first time in 3 days! Progress! Anyway, I’ve been searching for an AC adapter for almost a week now, and they’re nearly impossible to find! But I was wandering around this morning and meandered into this little hardware store/hole-in-the-wall place and actually found one! So yay! Internet! As silly as it sounds, I’m so proud of that little ac adapter! It represents so much! My ability to navigate in a foreign country and speak another language…

Okay, so that’s a summary of my past week for all of you who wanted to know how it’s going! I didn’t want to write the same thing in a billion emails… I still have a lot more to say as far as my actual thoughts on the city/people etc go… and my next blogs will probably be more about that and less about what is actually happening because soon I’ll have a routine. Anyway, enough for now!

the other side of every fear is freedom--merilyn ferguson

It is three in the morning. I am awake. Again. This is the story of my life. Why can’t I sleep? I hate not being able to sleep. A perfectly good night. Wasted. I’m stressed about spain. I’m done with finals so I should be able to relax… yet…. it’s like all I can think of are the things I haven’t done. And the most frustrating part is most of the things I’m stressing over, I can’t even do anything about. Which is probably why I’m stressed about them. It’s just stupid shit that is out of my control. Stupid stuff like how am I going to charge my ipod over there? What if I need more socks? Will I buy or rent a bike to get to school? Will I just walk instead? Will I have enough money? Stupid money. Stupid, stupid, stupid money. I hate you. You make my shoulders tense up. You make my stomach hurt.

I’m trying everything I know. Deep breathing. Visualization. It’s not helping. Why does everything always seem a million times worse in the middle of the night? As spain gets closer and closer, I get more and more nervous. I’m not so sure I know exactly what I’ve gotten myself into. Four months is a long time. This isn’t like my roadtrip where I can come home whenever I want. Well, I guess I can still come home if I really want to… but I’d be really disappointed in myself. I guess I’m just really afraid of being lonely. Four months is definitely enough time to get over the excitement of living in a new country. Four months is enough time to get really really homesick-- really, really lonely. But this is good for me. I need this. I will grow so much. It won’t be easy being away from everything I know and love for so long… but it will be good for me.

I don’t want to be rushed and constantly be on the run. What I learned from my roadtrip (and what I wish I had done more of) is to take time to just be. Be still. Experience the moment. Appreciate and live in that moment of time. Don’t run from place to place just to say you’ve been there. Or even worse, to get away from something. Go TO somewhere; not AWAY from something. I think these next four months will be very key in helping me learn. Grow into the person I want to be. When I first signed up to go to spain, I was running. I didn’t want to slow down. I didn’t want to get trapped. By school. By a job. By another fucking relationship. That was my greatest fear. I chose to go to spain because I was terrified if I didn’t do it, I’d just stay stuck. It was a decision based on fear.

With that said, I’m going to turn this into an experience that will change me positively forever. I won’t let myself fall into my old patterns, and it will be easier because I don’t have a choice. It’ll be easier not to fall into those old patterns, but it won’t be easy. I will have to be strong. This is the reason I hate having plans. This feeling right here. It gives you too much time to think. To worry. My stomach is churning. My shoulders are tense. I feel sick. This fear, this dread, of the unknown. It’s only fear… but it’s still strong. Right now, it’s a little overwhelming. No more crutches. It’s okay to want people, but I don’t want to need anybody. And there’s such a difference. The difference is huge. Life-altering. And my life has been altered. I’m self-sufficient and capable and strong.  Now. I wasn’t before. Well, I hadn’t discovered it, nourished it before. It was there, just hidden. Experiences like these, like Spain, where I have to delve deeply within myself and find strength to toughen up and rely on myself mentally and emotionally, will help me. Life is about discovering what you’re afraid of and facing it head on. It’s only fear. It’s only fear. And you are stronger than your fear. My life will not be controlled by it. I will not live my life wrapped up in and hidden away by my security blanket of fears; I want to feel the heat of the sun, the harsh bite of icy wind, the shocking wet of rain on my bare skin. I don’t want to be comfortable, numb to the changing beauty of the world around me. I want to feel it, feel all of it. The scary. The exhilarating. The tragic. And the infinite pleasure of just being alive. 

But I’m definitely feeling the scary right now… and in a few hours, I’ll definitely be feeling the tired. Sleep, why must you elude me?

They say times changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.--andy warhol

So i like to look back over my journal entries and read what i've written... and i stumbled across a couple from awhile back that i liked and thought i'd share. i just kinda smushed em together... maybe they'll make sense to you. maybe not. 

"I feel so weird. Sad…. But not. Because I know it will go away. Sad… but not. Because I’m happy that I can feel. Sad… but not. Because I know that for the first time in my life, I’m being true to myself. I’m terrified of this freedom. Terrified that I’m making all the wrong choices. But at the same time, I know that for the first time in my life, I’m making all the right choices. Because right doesn’t mean the choice that necessarily makes sense to the rest of the world. Right means making the decision that brings you peace. Even if it makes absolutely no sense to anyone else. I would much rather have my freedom of thought and opinion and living than your approval. With you, there is no freedom. My spirit needs room to decide what’s right and wrong for me.

I’m so torn right now. My loneliness is new and sad but at the same time, I’m so reassured by it. I’m so relieved to know that even though I get sad and lonely, I’m not distracting myself with another meaningless relationship. The torn open places in my heart are slowly healing. It’s almost like I physically feel stronger. Maybe that’s the difference with this sadness. Yes, it’s the same lonely sadness it used to be, but it’s inside a stronger person. A more fulfilled person. A person who knows that true happiness and contentment can only come from within. Now I understand that the only way to deal with this sadness is to become stronger. Maybe the sadness and loneliness will always be there. Maybe they don’t change shape or size. But I can. I can became larger and stronger than my sadness. My fear of being alone will become lost in my belief that being alone and fulfilled is better than being in a shallow, meaningless and distracting relationship. Distractions can only distract for so long before you become used to them and need to find something else to keep your mind from turning to those things you’re trying to so hard to avoid. So just face it now. It’s either that or spend a lifetime running from one distraction to the next. And I’m tired.

It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to have uncertainties. Hurt and sadness will pass. And the future will happen. What’s meant to be will happen. And I will be okay. It will all be okay in the end.

People are draining. Well, I guess I should say people that don’t get me are draining, and it seems like as I figure out more and more who I am, there are fewer and fewer people who I feel like I connect with. There are just some things you can’t explain to people. They either get it—or they don’t. not to say one way is right or better than another. It’s just different.

My values and priorities have changed so much in the past year. Or maybe I’m just discovering what they truly are. The things I used to care and worry so much about just don’t matter to me anymore. Or matter less. And other things matter so much more. The things that I strived so hard to gain or achieve that people promised would bring me happiness never did. Instead I was always left with a longing for more. Yet I would continue to pursue the same goals because people who were “older and wiser” than me said that’s what I should want. That’s what would fulfill me. That’s what would bring me happiness. And I believed them. Why wouldn’t i? I mean, what did I know? I was just young and stupid and inexperienced. Right? No. So, so, so no.

Happiness and contentment can come from anywhere as long as you’re real with yourself. Honest with yourself. True to yourself. I was living my life for so many people… Yet, out of all those people, not one of them was me. I had so much anxiety all the time because I was ignoring what I felt was right and trying to please the masses. It’s amazing how much of my anxiety has gone away just from learning to listen to and follow my own intuition. Living for others, I was in a constant battle with myself, and I was always the one losing.

I’m so tired of close-minded people. Respect. Let me live my life like I let you live yours. It’s okay to think differently. Stop telling me I’m wrong or will fail simply because my ideas of success aren’t the same as yours. Stop looking down on me because I don’t value the same things you do. Stop judging me for doing things my way and not yours. 

But it’s okay if you don’t. It’s okay because I don’t need your nod of approval, your seal of satisfaction. Not anymore. Because I finally understand that while having your support is nice, it’s definitely not necessary. The only approval I need is that which I find within my heart.

People spend so much time and money and energy and emotion and effort searching, searching, searching… for peace. For contentment. For love. For meaning. And all of those things are found in the same place. Peace, contentment, love, meaning… they’re all within you. They are the essence of you. Your soul. Your spirit. Your heart. Your mind. Such a simple concept that is so hard to understand. It’s all right there, waiting for you. You just have to want to find it."

we're moving forward but holding ourselves back and we're waiting on something that will never come

I was sitting in the bath tonight about to crack open my marketing book and start studying when I began reminiscing instead. I am five years old, surrounded by every small, plastic figurine imaginable (my favorite is Ernie from sesame street, riding proudly in his speed boat) and up to my neck in bubbles. I always sing, but it is never songs that I have heard anywhere else. The best songs are always the ones I make up as I go along. There is no repeat chorus because every line is different. Hours could be and are easily lost in this world I create full of action and adventure, love and romance, secrecy and betrayal. Though it is only a 2 by 5 foot tub, it is filled with infinite possibilities. Holding my breath and sliding under the water, I am no longer in my bathroom at home but rather discovering a 100-year-old shipwreck while wily outsmarting the ravenous, swarming sharks. Pouring the My Little Pony bottle of bubbles under the running water transforms me into a mad scientist creating a potion that, with only one small drop, could make any and all broccoli and lima beans instantly taste like mint chocolate chip ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Just within reach is not a toilet but a swirling vortex of blackness where only the most criminal “bad guys” are sent to face the ultimate doom. Confined to this tiny room, I so easily found contentment and the freedom to create a world with untold possibilities.

 

When did this change? When did I grow from the girl who studies the enemy’s every move to the woman who studies marketing in the bathtub? When did life become so full of responsibility that a time once so cherished and filled with freedom of thought and imagination has become just another chore? But most importantly, how can I change it back?

 

Bills. Grades. Work. Then, if I have time, fun. Life is too short. I’m tired of being responsible. I’m tired of doing the “right thing.” I just want to do what I want to do. I want to find happiness where I find it, not where people tell me I’ll find it. I want to make mistakes and learn from them. I want to understand life and people. I want to find and develop my passions. I want to love myself for who I am and not who I wish I was. I want to break away from this path that’s so worn in front of me and get lost in the woods. Sure, I’ll get stuck by some briars along the way; hell, I might even get poison ivy (and that shit sucks)! But at the end of the day, I’ll get a view like no one has ever seen. Maybe I won’t take the conventional way. And maybe it will be wrong. But what is wrong really? I truly believe that something can be learned from every experience we create, and learning will only help me discover more deeply who I am and what I’m made of.

 

I believe that so many choices are made out of fear: we choose careers that we hate because we’re afraid of not having money; we stay in relationships that stunt us because we’re afraid of being alone; we worship gods that dictate our lives because we’re afraid of trusting ourselves. What people don’t realize is that the scariest thing about fear is fear itself. If you can get past the initial intense uncertainty of fear, you’ll realize that’s all it is: uncertainty. And life is uncertain. There are no guarantees. Even if you do all the “right things,” the shit can still so easily hit the fan. So how about instead of obeying what everyone else thinks is right for my life, I listen to and trust myself? Interesting concept.

 

The hot water envelops my body and soothes and restores my sore muscles. Closing my tired eyes, I inhale deeply, filling my senses with pomegranate-scented bath oil. Hesitant at first, I close my marketing book and place it on the ground outside the tub and outside of this moment. Then, with another deep breath, I slide under the warm bath water and into the salty waters of the Caribbean and back into the world of infinite possibilities. 

i've been a long time gone now, maybe someday, someday i'm gonna settle down, but i've always found my way somehow, by taking the long way around

my one suggestion for anyone contemplating a roadtrip: buy a gps. it's not that i didn't think about it. i did. but i decided i wanted my trip to be unplanned and have the chance to get lost and see the unexpected. yeah, that's great and all... but spending 3 hours lost in the city looking for the effing interstate = not so exciting (more on that later). anyway, for practical purposes, a gps would have been fantastic. but of course, me being the stubborn person i am, there was no way i was going to buy one halfway through my trip... so instead i got the grand idea of buying an atlas! yeah, i've gone this whole trip with no maps or anything... just following signs. i've always hated maps/graphs/anything like that. i have this intense phobia of them because my brain is "map-retarded" and seriously just doesn't understand them... but i'm a little in love with my pocket-sized atlas. obsessed even. i love looking at the places i've been and seeing the places i could go. i love figuring out which interstate will take me where. i'm addicted. so where were we...?

Tuesday:

Allison convinced me to stay another day by bribing me with a fondue restaurant. she promised that we would meet up with a friend of hers after work and have a girls night out, complete with cream puffs dipped in melted snickers chocolate. i was sold. so i spent the day working out, playin with the pups and chillin by the pool until allison got home. then we hit up the fondue place, where allison got wild boar that they brought out to her on a lava rock thing that she cooked herself. it was pretty cool! i even tried a little tiny piece, much to everyone's surprise. real tasty.

Wednesday:

after a quick workout, i packed up the car and me and rotey said farewell (or so we thought) to sweet san jose. the plan was to head to san francisco for the day and then camp at yosemite that night. but thanks to stupid san francisco's lack of interstate signs, that was not meant to be. so we made it to san fran that morning and headed straight to fisherman's wharf. i ended up parking in what i would later realize was the most expensive parking garage in san fran and was also like an hour and a half walk away from both china town and f'man's wharf. not a good combo. we finally made it to the wharf and i was happy as a clam (i thought the simile was appropriate here). cute little shops, streetside vendors and festive music everywhere. after i felt i had gotten my fill, i decided to try and walk to the golden gate bridge, only to find out it was at least another hour and a half away from where i was (meaning a 3 hour walk back to my car) so that was outta the question. the cop who had told me this then gave me "faster" directions back to my parking garage, which actually only ended up in leading me in a gigantic circle. you can imagine my frustration when an hour later i ended up back at fisherman's wharf instead of my parking garage. heading back our original route, we eventually found our car and got a quick drive thru chinatown since i still wanted to see the gg bridge and get to yosemite before nightfall. really really absurdly and frustratingly long story short, thanks to traffic and stupidity, i spent the next 3 hours blindly driving thru the city, trying to find the bridge. finally, as the evening was setting in, i called allison and told her she would be getting to keep me for another night. so back to san jose we went.

we got there just in time to join in for her ballroom dancing lessons. and then we stayed after for the group party where they dim the lights, raise the disco ball and dance the night away. haha. it was great! i danced with one of the older instructors there (probably like 70s or something), and i tell you what! that old fox had me blushing all night long. guarantee you that man was a ladykiller in his prime... like 40 years ago.. but whatever! age is just a number.

Thursday:

as i set out on the road thursday morning, i started to head in the direction of yosemite... but then i turned around. i had a score to settle with that golden gate bridge. so in the opposite direction i set off. and you will be glad to know, i did indeed find it!...after only getting lost a few times... and on top of that, when i parked to get out and take a picture, the meter still had time so i didn't have to pay! i think that was san fran's way of apologizing for being a stupid city yesterday. even though it was going the opposite direction than i needed, i wasn't going to NOT drive over the bridge!

after we crossed over, i saw signs for a little town called sausalito that my friend josh had recommended to me.. so we ventured there and i loved it. it's crazy how it's just barely outside of san fran but totally different. it's like entering another world. you leave the smoggy skies and cold wind of san fran for the blue skies and cool breeze of this quaint little city. super cute. fiiiinally, we headed on our way to yosemite and made it there with just enough time to drive through and see that all the campsites were full. but at least i got to see it! so beautiful. i'd love to go backpacking there. on we drove through the night until finally i came across a 24 hour burger and passed out in the drivers seat for the rest of the night.

Friday:

My next destination in mind was the grand tetons and yellowstone. after stealing a shower from another Motel 6 again (i love motel 6!!! they are the bomb diggity and a half and they don't charge for pets.. they might even be 2 bomb diggities!), we spent a lot of friday driving and stopping at random places... one such place was the saltair palace in utah. some weird little palace looking place on the great salt lake. it was interesting. rotor was particularly fond of the dead birds scattered across the beach. i told him he'd be walking home if he rolled in one. he did anyway. fortunately, they had little showers so i could rinse him off.

we made it to wyoming that night, and as we were driving through the grand tetons, i thought it looked oddly familiar. then i realized that i was driving through the exact area that bill and i had been at over spring break! i had even pulled over and contemplated camping at the exact place we had gone snowmobiling! how weird was that? i actually didn't realize any of this until i passed this moose on the side of the road... and thought "WHOA!! a real live moose!! just standing there!" and then remembered that i had thought that exact same thing the first time i had seen it... and was sadly disappointed when everyone told me it was a fake moose. anyway, at about midnight when i stopped driving, i once again found out that all the campsites were full, and i really didn't feel like just sleeping wherever cuz there are wild animals EVERYWHERE... and unfortunately, tuesdays are my Get-Attacked-By-A-Bear Day... so... once again, i slept in my car. actually, i really wanted to get a motel room that night and would have spent a pretty penny... but there was literally not ONE single vacant hotel in all of jackson, wyoming. so the car it was.

Saturday:

we got to yellowstone early and spent much of the morning observing the hot springs and geysers. yellowstone is so beautiful... ya know, in case you didn't believe everyone who has ever been there and said that. i even got to see old faithful--who is, by the way, definitely a woman. she was such a tease! over the course of like 15 minutes, while the crowd was ready and waiting, she would bubble up and you'd think here we go! and then she'd stop. and then start again and you'd think "surely this is it!" and then she'd stop... and then finally, once everyone in the crowd was impatiently begging and waiting for it, she finally... blew. i think i now understand how guys feel. oh and during all this, it began to rain... so due to the nasty weather, i had to cut my visit to yellowstone short.

back on the road, i knew my final destination was mt rushmore.. so to south dakota we went! at about 10 pm, dead with exhaustion and wanting nothing more than to stretch out in a big bed, i stopped in buffalo, wyoming to find a hotel. wrong town to stop in. i couldn't find anything for less than 90 bucks (and that was AFTER i lied and said i didn't have a dog). finally, at the last motel i was at, just as i was about to leave, i turned to the guy and flat out lied and said "well i guess i'll just go back to the mansion motel. they offered me a room for 50 bucks. too bad you don't do competitive pricing." and as i started to walk out the door, he scrambled after me and was like "wait!! i'll see what i can do!" and that was that. stephanie got a room for 50 bucks (which was still way more than i'd wanted to spend but i was way too tired to care).

Sunday:

i had also lied to this guy and said i didn't have a dog... and there was a $50 charge for lying about that... so i decided we'd just sneak out early in the morning and since they were the kind of rooms you parked right outside of, i figured we'd just hop in the car and go. rotor had other plans. he ALWAYS gets in the car when i open the door.. always. but this morning he decided it was the perfect time to go sprinting around the hotel parking lot with me chasing wildly after him, and in a useless attempt be subtle, scream-whispering "ROTOR!! GET IN THE CAR!!" finally, i remembered a trick that sometimes works.. so i got in the car, turned it on and said "bye rotor!" and he came sprinting over to me and hopped in the car, terrified his mommy would leave him.

a few hours later, we arrived at mt rushmore. amazing! i ended up taking the presidential trail and was surrounded by large, sweaty herds of out of breath and out of shape people... the trail was only half a mile long!! dear lord.. what has our culture come to? and yet, i was the one who tripped UP the stairs (in a little sundress, no less) in front of a long line of nasty, sweaty old men--with cameras! eek! so if some random chick's ass at mt rushmore appears all over youtube... it's not mine.

after mt rushmore, we started driving.. and i started drinking coffee. lots of coffee. big mistake. i'm not really sure how much coffee i had... but i somehow made it from rapid city, south dakota to memphis, tn 24 hours later... yes, i drove for 24 hours straight, stopping only for a 30 minute cat nap in a hardees parking lot. well, that's not entirely true. i also stopped at "THE WORLD'S ONLY CORN PALACE!" i mean, seriously. who WOULDN'T stop there?? but yeah... i was all cracked out on caffeine and knew i wouldn't be able to sleep anyway so i figured why not just drive..? i finished another book on tape and started a new one--so that was pretty exciting. i also got in some quality time with my show tunes (especially phantom of the opera and wicked).

Monday:

my early arrival (i wasn't supposed to get here til monday night) allowed me to go watch my mom's barrel racing lessons and meet the horses. i was so proud of my mommy racing around the barrels like a pro ;-) then i came back to their house and slept for like 5 hours... and woke up with my right armpit painfully sore. your guess is as good as mine. after a yummy dinner, mom and jack gave me a tour of the little town. jack then had to abandon us (something about needing sleep so he could perform surgery in the morning or something stupid like that), and mom and i went for a walk with our pups and got some good mother-daughter bonding time in. i haven't gotten to see them since i got back from alaska so it was long overdue! and now, the amazingly comfy couch is callin my name.

buy me a drink, sing me a song, take me as i come cuz i can't stay long

i had forgotten how nice it is to sleep in a real real bed... a bed where you're not worried about contracting an STD from the sheets. it's nice. i've been at my friend allison's house now for four days, and she's officially spoiled me rotten. but more on that later. where did i leave off? and what is today anyway? i have had absolutely no concept of time the past week or so... how long have i even been gone? geez.. after checking my cell phone, i discovered that today is tuesday. wow! it's been a week since i last blogged. i know you missed me. 

wednesday:

i spent the first half of wednesday exploring Ocean Beach... and the male species in california. i quickly discovered cali boys like southern girls in sundresses... or probably southern girls OUT of sundresses but whatev. either way, it was a good morning. ocean beach is definitely my favorite area of san diego. it's totally got the whole beach town feel to it. good vibes--love it. 

that afternoon, i met up with my guy friend i made the previous day at the beach. since i couldn't visit san diego and not go to the zoo, he was kind enough to accompany me. my opinion of the zoo? honestly, i was a little disappointed. i've always heard such amazing things about the san diego zoo so maybe my expectations were too high? i don't know... but sadly, the zoo let me down. but i have to admit, the panda bear was pretty precious. he was just chillin against a log eatin some bamboo all like "hey what's up? i'm a panda bear." and i just wanted to squeeze him. but that probably would have resulted in my death or at the very least, permanent disfigurement... so i abstained from squeezing the panda bear.

mexican food and margaritas were next on the agenda. and oh my.. the mexican food was AMAZING! or maybe it was the fact that i had a margarita on an empty stomach before the mexican food... so anything would have been amazing.... but don't worry, mom. i only had 2 drinks. and don't worry, jack. i made "GOOD CHOICES!"haha. i love you both.

thursday:

i was originally going to leave on thursday and head up towards san francisco to visit my girl allison... but then i got offered a free ticket to sea world on friday--so i extended my stay an extra day! 

rotor and i decided that we needed another day at the beach.. so this time we hit up the dog beach in ocean beach. the first day, i had been able to get him to play around in the water and with other dogs.. but this time, he was just a total mama's boy and slept next to me the entire time. what a booger.

after spending the evening exploring la jolla, rotor and i headed back to ocean beach to walk along sunset cliffs and... obviously.. watch the sunset. it was so relaxing! until i saw rotor kill a rat. i wasn't sure what was more disturbing: the fact that i saw my dog slaughter a poor, defenseless little animal right in front of me... or the fact that that poor, defenseless little animal had been right underneath where i was sitting, probably grazing me with its whiskers while plotting my death. needless to say, i freaked out, jumped on top of a rock and started screaming. i don't know if i was screaming more for rotor to stop and let him go or finish what he started... i think probably both. it still makes me shudder thinking of it. gahhh.... ick ick ick.

friday:

after packing up and checking out of the inn, i dropped rotor off at doggie daycare and went on my merry way to sea world. in case you've never been, i'll just say this: don't go to sea world if you're in an emotional mood. not only do i love dolphins, whales, and (now!!) sea lions, but to see them jump and flip through the air with dramatic story lines and touching music was just too much. i could have refilled every tank in that place. non-waterproof mascara was a bad idea. anyway, sea world was amazing and i filled up my entire memory card on my camera with little video clips. i also concluded that i need a sea lion. yes. need. 

though it wasn't easy, i managed to tear myself away in time to go pick up my baby roo and off we headed to allison's! oh and good recommendation, d karlisle. taking 5N was such a beautiful drive. at about midnight i was absolutely pooped--even more so than usual cuz i hadn't been able to get in my daily afternoon nap! my life is rough, i know. so i thought we'd be able to sleep in my car again.. but that just did not pan out this time. i managed to catch a couple zzz's but it got so hot that finally i gave in and found a super cheap motel to crash at. i asked if they gave out any type of discount and she said all they gave was  an aarp discount (for retired people)... but she liked me so she fudged my birthday and gave me the old people discount. i was pretty stoked--or as stoked as you can be when you've been driving for 5 hours and it's 2 in the morning.

Saturday:

we rolled into allison's place that afternoon, and the spoiling began. after our pups bonded, she took me to lunch at this super yummy italian place and i'm pretty sure i would have eaten the plate too if no one had been around. in an attempt to make room for dessert, we walked around the shopping plaza which was amazing! gucci, anthropologie, urban outfitters... everything! finishing up our feast with some frozen yogurt from pinkberry (it was interesting.. good.. but interesting!), we then headed back to get ready a night on the town.

Saturday night:

insane. we'll just say... what happens in san jose, stays in san jose.

Sunday:

we'll just skip right ahead into the afternoon/evening as we spent most of the day sleeping. after chinese food and pedicures, we decided harry potter was next on the agenda. btw, i definitely should have brushed up on what was going on in this one because the whole time i was like "wait--what?" but i thought it was a pretty good movie. love me some h.p. and butterfingers.

Monday:

since allison had to work (she moved out here in february because she got an amazing job!), i spent most of the day just exploring the area and found some cute places. i ended up stopping by her work and talking to a marketing guy there about jobs and all sorts of stuff. then allison let me play on one of the da vinci robots (in case you havent heard of them, they are the robots surgeons use to do surgery. real up and coming technology! and allison trains the surgeons how to use them). it was so caaraaazy! after a visit to the dog park with our pooches, we hit up this mexican restaurant with great food but horrible service. since allison had a couple drinks at dinner, i got to drive her brand new BMW back to the apartment. ohhhhh yeaaaaahhhh... then she spent the next hour looking up colleges and universities around here, trying to convince me to move. i could definitely do the cali thing full time.

not sure when i'm gonna leave... probably tomorrow :( 

The Germans discovered it in 1904 and they called it "San Diego" which in German means "whale's vagina"

man, it has been a crazy past few days. i realize now that this blog will come in handy not only so that i don't have to tell the same stories twenty million different times... but also so that i can remember what i did! this blog is as much for me as it is for you. this past week has kinda been a blur! so where did i leave off...? ah yes..

Saturday:

so after we left the coffee shop in el paso, we hit the road again heading towards phoenix. i knew that i really wanted to camp again tonight mainly because i didn't want to spend money on a motel. plus, i had just stopped at wal-mart and bought an additional sleeping pad to put under my sleeping bag, and i was intent on using it. when i saw signs for RockHound State Park, i decided that was our campsite for the night. the drive out to the park was beautiful, and my timing couldn't have been better. i ended up getting there right as the sun was starting to set, and i just pulled off to the side of the road and sat on the hood of my car with rotor as we watched it. if my eyes weren't so dry from the desert air, i might have shed a tear. ha. but really--it was so relaxing and peaceful. it also gave me a chance to journal and kinda reflect on things. 

so after the sunset, we drove the rest of the way to the campsite only to find out that you need a permit to camp there. i was sad. and not only sad, but really really tired.... so i knew we needed to find somewhere to sleep soon. we ended up finding two more campsites within the next couple hours, but i got a weird feeling about both of them... so i decided to keep on going. finally, at about 1 am (4 am for my body's internal clock since i was 3 hrs ahead), i gave up, pulled into a Dennys 24 hr restaurant, leaned back the seat and konked out. there was no way after looking for a campsite for 4 hours that i was going to pay $50 to sleep somewhere for probably less than 6 hrs. ESPECIALLY after i had just bought my extra sleeping pad.  see my logic??! so yes, ladies and gentlemen, i slept in my car. and i slept surprisingly well, actually.

Sunday:

the next morning, rotor and i went for a run in saguaro national park. rotor's a little fatty and a horrible running partner, by the way. after that, in dire need of bathing, i definitely drove up to a Motel 6, explained my situation and asked them if i could use a shower. i told merrilee (always use their first names. it makes the situation more personal. ha) that i would be out in ten minutes flat and so she opened and room and let me in . i was such a bum. but at least i was a clean one!

we made it to phoenix that afternoon and walked around a cute little town called scottsdale. i enjoyed some coffee at---yes---a local coffeeshop while i figured out where we would head next. after talking it over with rotor, we decided the grand canyon was the place to be so off we went. on the way, we stopped and saw montezuma's castle which was kinda cool. i dont think rotor cared too much for it; he was more focused on peeing on the tree below. once again, my timing was superb, as we made it to the grand canyon right as the sun was setting. it was so beautiful! i loved it. it's hard to take in that much beauty at once (that must be how people feel when they meet me for the first time! haha.. juuuuuust kidding!). thankfully, there was a free campsite about a mile outside the entrance, so me and rotey-roo "set up camp" and hit the hay. just for the record, people aren't lyin when they say it gets REALLY cold in the desert at night. i woke up in the middle of the night half frozen and put on like three more layers of clothes. even that and spooning with rotor didn't warm me up! 

Monday:

we spent most of monday driving. not because it's a terribly long drive but because i wasn't paying attention and missed a pretty crucial split... and didn't realize it until like 3 hours later when i figured i should have already come across it by then... so yeah. it was fun, though. i finished another audio book so i felt pretty accomplished. poor little rotor was panting even with the windows up and the AC cranked full blast. it was 115 degrees outside, according to my handy dandy in-car thermostat. after making it through the desert, we hit rush hour traffic so we pulled into a cute little place called riverside for a bit. i got a yummy watermelon smoothie at some place. i love watermelon. i could seriously eat an entire watermelon in one sitting. i think i might have done that before, actually... 

at about 9 pm we found a motel with the right price (after i said "your room's too expensive. thanks anyway" and he said "wait what if i give you 50% off?" and i said "really? that works."). even though it was a monday night, i decided to go out anyway because all i'd done was drive all day. i found out gas lamp was apparently the place to be after asking around. it's basically a few strips lined with bars/clubs/restaurants so i headed that way. luckily, there was no cover charge anywhere so i barhopped around, enjoying blues, rock and even some reggae. the reggae was my favorite. the lead singer even blew me a sweet kiss followed by a couple of even sweeter hip thrusts from the stage. overall, gas lamp was a pretty cool area. hopefully, i'll get to check it out again before i leave.

tuesday:

so i'm totally lovin this free breakfast thing we've got goin on at my hotel. and i've definitely taken full advantage of it. i came back to my room this morning with two homemade waffles, 6 mini boxes of cereal, 3 packets of oatmeal, 2 apples, 2 oranges, and 3 cups of orange juice.  i made multiple trips so as not to seem too obvious that i was about to create a breakfast famine for the rest of the guests. what? a girl's gotta eat! plus, i needed to restock for the rest of my trip... geez.

after breakfast, rotor and i hit up dog beach on coronado island. i'm pretty sure dog beaches are the coolest things ever. not only was it beautiful, but i was allowed to have my baby with me--and off his leash!! we even made a friend today! this guy sat his stuff down next to where me and roo were laying, and rotor's constant attempts to hump one his dogs eventually led us into conversation. though none of you will believe it, this guy is actually even MORE of a dog person than me! i couldn't believe it. we talked about our dogs for like 3 hours. rotor loved him--which was weird since rotor's usually pretty shy. after a long nap this afternoon, i headed out to pacific/mission beach and scoped out that area. it was a pretty cool place. so far, coronado is still my favorite, though. 

the verdict is out: i love san diego.

and the photos will show these moments were golden

san antonio. is. amazing. saying i love that city would be an understatement. i'm usually not a huge big-skyscraper-city fan... but oh my. i think it was the riverwalk that won me over. live music. outdoor restaurants on a river. and all just a flight of stairs below the rest of the city. it's the coolest thing! it was such a safe and clean city too. i'll definitely be going back there someday.

it was close to midnight by the time we left san antonio, and after walking around for a few hours, me and rotey (yes, i have countless nicknames for him) were pooped. after having to shell out $50 bucks the night before, i was determined to sleep for free last night. so on we drove through the warm, breezy night. about half an hour down the road, i saw signs for a campground, and i was sold. a little apprehensive since the campground was the ONLY thing off this exit, i attempted to push my doubts away with the thought of free sleeping. and then free waking up in the middle of the night to some wild-eyed man leaning over me, watching me sleep. and then free kicking and screaming as i'm dragged away to his log cabin in the middle of the woods, never to be heard from or seen again. ok, so obviously i wasn't successful in pushing my doubts away. however, i decided that i would at least check out the campsite, and if it looked at all sketchy, i would leave.

since i got to the site so late, everyone was already tucked away in their tents/RVs. Sadly, there was no one to collect my money that i was so eager and willing to give. How disappointed i was ;-) and i most certainly didn't intentionally drive right past the giant sign that said "Late Arrivals--Drop Money Inside" with an arrow pointing to a 24-hour building. What?? I knew would only be there for like 5 hours anyway...! Don't judge me. Finding the first open spot, i pulled my car in between two RVs and presumed setting up camp. Setting up camp for me consists of unrolling my sleeping pad, laying my sleeping bag on top, and crawling inside. I think tents are a waste of time. I'd much rather sleep under the beautiful blanket of stars. Rotor actually did act as my guard dog, circling my sleeping bag for most of the night, with a perpetual warning growl to anyone who might approach. 

it was such an amazing night. there was a constant warm breeze to keep me cool and the sky was so beautiful and clear. for an hour and a half (it took awhile to fall asleep because every horror movie i've ever seen kept popping up in my mind), i just gazed up at the stars. so peaceful. and within five minutes, i literally saw TWO shooting stars!!! i couldn't believe it! it took everything in me not to go bang on the RV door next to me and tell the neighbors what i'd just witnessed! i was soooo excited! what?? i've never seen one before. much less, 2! i don't remember falling asleep, but i do remember waking up to a certain guard dog who had fallen asleep on the job. he had somehow weasled his way inside the sleeping bag with me and proceeded to snore in my ear. 

i took that as my wake-up call, and with a good 5 hours of sleep under my belt, i decided we'd better mosey on outta there before someone realized i hadn't paid. so after grabbing my shower stuff, i ran over to the bathrooms only to find you needed a code to get inside. a code given only to those who had paid. a code which i obviously didn't have. so back onto the road we went. after a few minutes on the interstate, we came across another campground, and i snuck into the bathroom behind someone else, stole my shower, and headed back out onto the open road.

we arrived in el paso a couple hours ago... and i once again began my quest for a local coffee shop with free wifi. after much confusion and misdirection, i FINALLY found one! yay! so here we are... about to leave here and head off to phoenix next... hopefully camping again tonight. we'll see how it goes!

i've never been so alone, and i've never been so alive

to say i know exactly where i am would be a lie. i am somewhere close to/in houston... i think. and apparently people in texas don't have local coffee shops or sit outside in cafes, which is very disappointing! i was trying to support the local shops, and me and roo literally drove around for an hour in stop-and-go traffic (which is NOT fun when you have a stick shift. my left calf is going to be a monster!) searching for either option, but to no avail. finally, i stumbled upon a panera bread that has an outdoor cafe so i figured 1 outta 2 isn't so bad... and then when i stepped out of my car, i quickly discovered why it is exactly that people in texas don't sit outside in cafes. i'm not entirely sure, but i think i briefly burst into flames. since restaurants have this crazy notion that it's not sanitary for dogs to be inside of restaurants, and i didn't want my computer to melt upon removal from the laptop case, i opted for sitting inside. luckily, there was a parking space in the shade right next to a window, so after cranking up the AC, topping off his bowl with fresh iced water and promising a rapid return, i locked rotor in my car (i was smart and brought an extra set of keys so i can actually UNlock the car if i need to leave him in there for a minute).  currently, i'm sitting about ten feet away from my car, separated from my baby boy by only two glass windows, and looking like a crazy lady for all the people sitting around me who don't know why i keep fervidly lifting up the blinds to peek outside. it's okay, people! i'm just an overprotective mommy.

yesterday was interesting. we got off to a late start (even though i woke up at 7 am!). after some running/pilates in the morning (to interrupt my story, i need everyone to know that i thought i just heard my car alarm go off and spastically jerked the blind up and stuck my ear against the window. false alarm-- haha no pun intended.), i ended up having to do a lot more last-minute packing than i had realized... which delayed our departure until 2 pm. The actual driving was great. With the windows down and my baby at my side, we cruised along, listening to audio books (yes, you're jealous of my insane coolness) and a various array of music. Rotor loves car rides so no problems there. 

The tentative goal was New Orleans, and finally, we rolled in at about 9 pm. Originally, I was going to find a motel/hostel to stay in for the night beforehand... And of course, I had seen about 39 million cheap ones along the way, but wanting to reach New Orleans first, I refused to stop at any of them. As I approached the exit, anticipation was bursting at my seams (or maybe that was just one too many graham crackers bursting my seams.. i don't know). However, that excitement quickly waned as I proceeded to get lost in the ghetto for two hours, with Rotor pawing and whining the whole time, telling me that i better find a fluffy, green bush for him or his anticipation was going to burst all over my seat.

At last, i saw the glorious sign pointing me back to the interstate, and i gladly kissed new orleans goodbye! my one-night-stand with new orleans just wasn't meant to be. zipping back along the interstate, my eyes began to droop, and i knew that i needed to find somewhere to rest soon. unfortunately, traffic disagreed. damn construction. another 2 hours later, i pulled into the parking lot of the cheapest motel i could find and stood in line behind a couple of drunken/stoned hookers to pay for my room (and here's my version for mom: i pulled into the nicest/safest looking hotel i could find and had the valet park my car while i went inside to enjoy a peaceful slumber). 

as i headed up the stairs to my haven of rest, i got cornered by a drunken, shirtless and extremely sweaty (or greasy.. not sure) man, asking if my dog was friendly. "No," i replied, quickly, "he's more of a guard dog," silently pleading for rotor to let out a ferocious growl. of course, he decided to wag his tail. once inside my room, i slammed the door shut and locked and then double bolted it. for the most part, i slept pretty well (and yes, i definitely slept in my sleeping bag on top of the covers. who knows what's gone on in those sheets?? i swear, i'll wash it before i give it back, angela! hehe) occasionally, i awoke to what i thought was rotor pacing the fake-hardwood floor. then i saw him lying next to me on the bed... and silently prayed that rats couldn't jump.

so anyway... here we are. i don't know how long i've been driving because all my watches are set to different times (don't ask.)... but we've still got a few hours to go until i plan on trying to find a campsite. hopefully, we'll camp tonight. i might try and make it to san antonio... we'll see. i'm going to try and post a couple videos so if i do, check em out! 

the soft dive of oblivion

it's 3:30 am. i am awake. i am terrified. here come the negative thoughts... am i crazy?? i'm just a 22 year old girl taking her dog on a cross-country roadtrip (hey mom! good to know you've implanted your thoughts into my brain)! where will i stay? what will i eat? what if i run out of money? what if my car breaks down? what if i meet the wrong person in a dark alley??

 **note to self: avoid all dark alleys--especially ones with suspicious looking strangers.**

there are so many what-ifs! i can't possibly know the answer to them. the fear of the unknown--it'll getcha every time if you let it. deeeeeeeeep breath! let's do a little worst case scenario analysis here:

where will i stay?-- there is always somewhere to stay. hopefully a cheap hotel/hostel. but even if the absolute worst happens (can't find a place within my budget), i can always sleep in my car or outside. i can reacquaint myself with mother nature. it's been awhile anyway.

what will i eat? preferably food. since i'm doing this on a budget, i'm going to stick to more homemade, thrown-together meals and limit restaurant consumption. 

what if i run out of money? then i'll turn around and come home. the point of this trip is to learn that you can't always plan for life. sometimes the unexpected happens and you need to be able to cope. though san diego is my destination, if i can't make it there, it's not the end of the world. don't focus so much on the end point but on the journey along the way.

what if i meet the wrong person in a dark alley?? fortunately for me, when i was at super ninja training school last year, i learned just how to deal with this situation. or not. how about we just hope for the best on this one? and if not for the best, at least hope that my mace will spray them in both eyes and up the nose (with my luck, i'd probably have it facing the wrong way and spray myself...),  disabling them long enough for to me to run screaming like a little girl (hey! i'm allowed! i am one!) in the other direction. not, of course, until i knee him (or her--let's be politically correct, here) in the groin and smash all of his (or her!!) toes with my heel for dramatic effect.

now i feel much better. still a little stressed... but i think that it's just going to take me leaving before i'll truly calm down. or maybe i'll just get worse. we'll see.

ask for forgiveness, not permission

so deciding which day to leave this week has caused a great internal debate. the earliest i could leave would be thursday morning... however, my mom and jack (stepdad) are coming into town this weekend for my mom's horseshow (not exactly sure what she was doing in it--but she's been talking about it for like 2 months now... so i figured it was important i be there) which is saturday night, meaning i can't leave until sunday if i am a good daughter and go. but but but! i just received a phone call from moomers telling me that smokey (her horse) stepped on her foot basically breaking her toes, thus disabling her from being in the horseshow saturday night. yes, i am sad for my mother and her broken toes--i'm not totally heartless!-- but i am excited for what this means: a thursday morning departure date!

first mistake of my great roadtrip adventure: telling my mom. the original plan was to wait to tell her i'm driving to california with rotor as my only companion until i was halfway across the country. this way, when she freaked out, she would have no way of stopping me. but my excitement got the best of me and i told her too soon! her reaction was exactly as i expected: begging and pleading for me not to go. "it's too dangerous for a young girl to travel on her own!"  

"so what, mom? am i supposed to postpone all my dreams in life until i find some prince charming to accompany me?" 

hesitation "no..." (but she's thinking "yes." i know you, mom!!) "but it'd be safer if you had someone with you. even a girl!"

"the beauty of this trip is that i'm going it alone, mom."

"you'll get kidnapped and raped and sold to slave drivers! haven't you seen that movie 'wanted'?" (of course, she was actually referring to the movie 'Taken', but I knew what she meant).

"Yes, but if we're using this movie as a point of reference, do recall that the girl got kidnapped even though she had a friend with her. And she gets rescued in the end--with only a minor drug addiction. See? It'll all work out okay." (alright, not the best way to comfort her). "Look, mom, the point is that something bad can happen no matter where you are or who you're with. I can't live my life out of fear of what could happen. I'll be safe. I'll be smart. It'll all work out in the end."

i did my best to convince her that i'll be okay but to no avail. moomers is a worry wart through and through. angela said i should have waited until i got back to tell her that i went. i'm thinking that was a good idea. damn. anyway, our conversation ended with me telling her that as much as i love her and respect her opinion, we're very different people with different desires, and this is something i want to do. unfortunately for us, i inherited her stubborn gene so my next 36 hours will consist of screening all phone calls as she will likely call me from various unrecognizable lines in a last-ditch effort to convince me to stay. and my mom is one sneaky lady! who knows what excuses she'll come up with to thwart my plans... so until i'm successfully on the road, all calls from unknown numbers will go directly to voicemail.