It is three in the morning. I am awake. Again. This is the story of my life. Why can’t I sleep? I hate not being able to sleep. A perfectly good night. Wasted. I’m stressed about spain. I’m done with finals so I should be able to relax… yet…. it’s like all I can think of are the things I haven’t done. And the most frustrating part is most of the things I’m stressing over, I can’t even do anything about. Which is probably why I’m stressed about them. It’s just stupid shit that is out of my control. Stupid stuff like how am I going to charge my ipod over there? What if I need more socks? Will I buy or rent a bike to get to school? Will I just walk instead? Will I have enough money? Stupid money. Stupid, stupid, stupid money. I hate you. You make my shoulders tense up. You make my stomach hurt.
I’m trying everything I know. Deep breathing. Visualization. It’s not helping. Why does everything always seem a million times worse in the middle of the night? As spain gets closer and closer, I get more and more nervous. I’m not so sure I know exactly what I’ve gotten myself into. Four months is a long time. This isn’t like my roadtrip where I can come home whenever I want. Well, I guess I can still come home if I really want to… but I’d be really disappointed in myself. I guess I’m just really afraid of being lonely. Four months is definitely enough time to get over the excitement of living in a new country. Four months is enough time to get really really homesick-- really, really lonely. But this is good for me. I need this. I will grow so much. It won’t be easy being away from everything I know and love for so long… but it will be good for me.
I don’t want to be rushed and constantly be on the run. What I learned from my roadtrip (and what I wish I had done more of) is to take time to just be. Be still. Experience the moment. Appreciate and live in that moment of time. Don’t run from place to place just to say you’ve been there. Or even worse, to get away from something. Go TO somewhere; not AWAY from something. I think these next four months will be very key in helping me learn. Grow into the person I want to be. When I first signed up to go to spain, I was running. I didn’t want to slow down. I didn’t want to get trapped. By school. By a job. By another fucking relationship. That was my greatest fear. I chose to go to spain because I was terrified if I didn’t do it, I’d just stay stuck. It was a decision based on fear.
With that said, I’m going to turn this into an experience that will change me positively forever. I won’t let myself fall into my old patterns, and it will be easier because I don’t have a choice. It’ll be easier not to fall into those old patterns, but it won’t be easy. I will have to be strong. This is the reason I hate having plans. This feeling right here. It gives you too much time to think. To worry. My stomach is churning. My shoulders are tense. I feel sick. This fear, this dread, of the unknown. It’s only fear… but it’s still strong. Right now, it’s a little overwhelming. No more crutches. It’s okay to want people, but I don’t want to need anybody. And there’s such a difference. The difference is huge. Life-altering. And my life has been altered. I’m self-sufficient and capable and strong. Now. I wasn’t before. Well, I hadn’t discovered it, nourished it before. It was there, just hidden. Experiences like these, like Spain, where I have to delve deeply within myself and find strength to toughen up and rely on myself mentally and emotionally, will help me. Life is about discovering what you’re afraid of and facing it head on. It’s only fear. It’s only fear. And you are stronger than your fear. My life will not be controlled by it. I will not live my life wrapped up in and hidden away by my security blanket of fears; I want to feel the heat of the sun, the harsh bite of icy wind, the shocking wet of rain on my bare skin. I don’t want to be comfortable, numb to the changing beauty of the world around me. I want to feel it, feel all of it. The scary. The exhilarating. The tragic. And the infinite pleasure of just being alive.
But I’m definitely feeling the scary right now… and in a few hours, I’ll definitely be feeling the tired. Sleep, why must you elude me?
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