Homesickness has at last subsided, and I think that is directly proportionate to my growing friendships and directly inverse to the shrinking feeling of "culture shock"-ness. The first few weeks here were pretty rough, as I mentioned in my previous blog. Even though I'm used to and even sometimes prefer to be alone, being alone in a new country where you don't speak the language is an entirely different story. The main difference is that at home I at least have the choice of easy access via text/phone call of chatting or meeting up with a friend pretty much any time I want. Being alone at home was a conscious choice. Here? Not so much. For the first couple of weeks, I didn't have a cell phone (and whose number would I have even put in it??) or internet so communication to home was an impossibility. And even though I'd made some acquaintances here, I didn't reaaallyyy know anyone, especially not well enough to call up and whine about how I felt. Finally, I reached a breaking point; I think you all know me well enough to know that I can only go without real human interaction for so long. Even though just going straight home after classes and convincing myself that I was still jetlagged and needed to rest was the easy thing to do, it wasn't the healthy thing. After I got internet and a cell phone, I began making plans with people and forcing myself to get out of my little shell, and I haven't regretted a single thing since (well, not anything that I'm going to write in a blog.. haha juuust kidding..)
I'd like to say that my experience here has already changed me so much, but I don't feel like that would be an accurate statement. A better way of expressing it would be to say that Barcelona has helped me realize more of who I already was all along. I believe that at our cores, we already are who we are; I don't think people change. However, I do think that if we choose to let them, our experiences can help us discover more deeply what's within us.
The most challenging and also rewarding (those two are always together! well, Challenging, if you like Rewarding so much, why don't you just marry her?!!) part of this trip has just been letting go of my preconceived notions of what Barcelona should be and accepting and appreciating it for what it is--because there is SO much to appreciate! As an American, I'm ashamed to admit that I have adopted the "Starbucks" attitude. An attitude of customization. I'd like my Barcelona with a better exchange rate, no language barrier, topped with easy access to nature whenever I'm in the mood. Thanks. As much as I told myself not to, I focused on all the things I didn't have. Instead of thinking of all the "Puedo's" ("I can's" for all those who aren't as amazingly fluent as I am in Spanish), all I could think of were the "No Puedo's" ("I can'ts" for all those of you who are just stupid). "I can't speak to anyone." "I can't go trail running." "I can't go ANYWHERE without getting lost!" (Don't get me started on that last one...) But it's all in how you view things. "Change your thinking, change your world."
It's taken me so long to get on the path of figuring out who I am, to stop defining myself by who my parents/friends/boyfriend(s) want me to be--and to actually figure out what is important to ME. I know, I know... It seems so simple. But as I've discovered, some of the simplest things turn out to be the hardest. Anyway, the past couple years has been full of me drawing lines, setting boundaries, learning to say "no" when I want to. All this work in a desperate attempt to figure out the real me--and I feel like I have. Well, I am. I will always be a work-in-process. The hardest thing here for me has been acknowledging that I can simultaneously appreciate something that is different from me without compromising who I am. It's taken me so long to figure out who I am and what I believe, and all of these discoveries are still so new and fragile. I'm afraid I'll lose them if I don't defiantly oppose anything that is different from who I've discovered within myself. I'm working on finding a balance between knowing and being confident in who I am while still experiencing and enjoying life when it's not exactly what I thought it would be. I want to know myself well enough to confidently be open-minded, without the fear of losing myself. I'm on my way there, but it's a difficult journey. Still, it's one that I won't give up.
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